Silence

   I will not be silenced. Year after year of embracing lies, I have to let go. I am not a liar. I never was.

At five years old my adopted father sexually abused me.  "He would never do such a thing!" was one of the most frequented exclamations upon reaching out to tell someone. Anyone. . "He was drunk." was the runner up...

On my birthday twelve years later my older sister confessed he abused her multiple times before and after me. Mind you this is after foster care, after court dates, counseling, after ten months of my own personal hell...  This is how she told me:

   "I am so sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry because it was supposed to be me. I was spending the night at Grandmas and it was supposed to be me. It happened to me several times before you. I never told mom because of the way she dealt with it when you told her. I don't blame you for not testifying in court, I'm scared too. If you would have testified I would have stood with you."


 I was crushed. I blamed myself even though she didn't blame me. I wasted my shot, because after months of telling the same traumatic experience to strangers on a daily basis I didn't believe myself anymore, my words meant nothing to myself or anyone else. I explained it like this, "I know it happened, but my mom told me so many times and I had to repeat it back to her so much that it seems unreal. It's like a picture of a family reunion you weren't around for, you know all the people in the picture, maybe one of them is laughing, you know what that sounds like, but you just weren't there."

 Sometimes when you love people you insert them in memories with you because they are ALWAYS there for you. I took myself out of that memory because I wasn't old enough to understand the trauma I was going thru. With time I was able to feel sad, feel depressed even, to the point I absolutely had to deal with problems plaguing my mind.

 Once I moved out on my own I took more and more depression naps, to get away from my mind, I'm an adult I don't dream like I used to, I'm safe from my mind asleep. In April 2017 one said depression naps proved me wrong. The dream I had was bizarre and unrealistic but the theme was consistent with what I knew to be truth. I woke up in a cold sweat screaming, "It's real."

 Why? My mind was ready to admit my body had been hurt, for years after that pain was exploited by my mother and enforced by the entirety of my fathers family calling my mother crazy. Slowly I buried the memories and feelings in the back of my mind. I hate conflict and having this thing for people to blame on me made me anxious through my teen years, I didn't want my family to hate me or leave me on my own, I just wanted the comfort of the known. I knew them, I trusted them, I loved them. I never stopped loving them, but at some point they must have stopped loving me to have let me be hurt with no repercussions.

 I let my chance to have him answer to the law slip away with my uncertainty, why? His parents sat in the pews at the court house watching me. Waiting. Would I dare? Of course not... I needed a place to stay after this was all over, didn't I? All these thoughts were subconscious but very present in the dull pain in my gut and the glistening sweat on my palms.

 I vividly remember my first panic attack, it was at my foster parents home, in my room. They rushed to my aid, as good parents should, reassured me I didn't need to testify if it made me uncomfortable, all I had to do was tell the truth. I cried that I couldn't, wouldn't, they hugged me and told me I didn't have to, I didn't have to. A stark contrast from my own mother drilling me, informing me I had to hold on to being a victim and to never let go, to never forget what he did to me.

 Sometimes people make the wrong decision and I know I did that day I didn't testify. I threw away my shot, but this life isn't about the wasted chances and missed shots, nope, quit looking at them instead look toward the chances you create for yourself, the shots you set yourself up for.

 Follow to hear more about my journey and get sneak peaks of my books: The One That Got Away and The Pieces That Are Left


~Cedar~