Heard Together

   I will not be silenced. Year after year of embracing lies, I have to let go. I am not a liar. I never was. At five years old my adopted father sexually abused me.  "He would never do such a thing!" was one of the most frequented exclamations upon reaching out to tell someone. Anyone. . "He was drunk." was the runner up... On my birthday twelve years later my older sister confessed he abused her multiple times before and after me. Mind you this is after foster care, after court dates, counseling, after ten months of my own personal hell...  This is how she told me:    "I am so sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry because it was supposed to be me. I was spending the night at Grandmas and it was supposed to be me. It happened to me several times before you. I never told mom because of the way she dealt with it when you told her. I don't blame you for not testifying in court, I'm scared too. If you would have testified I would have s...

  When I was a child I had few outlets, one I picked up when I was twelve just stuck. Writing. Any and all writing. Journaling, story writing, fiction, nonfiction, my own personal dialogue. I kept what I called a "Thought Book" or "T.B." to ensure no thoughts or emotions got forgotten, to twelve year old Cedar and to twenty year old Cedar alike, being forgotten is the absolute worst end result. Here I will start to open up about the major events that have shaped my life. First the childish gibberish in the pages of my Thought Books, followed by the introspective conversations they've led to in my life today. Open your mind when looking into mine... There are many things I fear. Fear itself is one of them. I'm frightened of becoming scared, for if I am afraid I can't seem to think of anything but saving myself and I hate to desert anyone in need if I can help. Fear turns people into cowards if they let it eat at them and gnaw their hope so th...