Cedar- A Narrative

  When I was a child I had few outlets, one I picked up when I was twelve just stuck. Writing.
Any and all writing. Journaling, story writing, fiction, nonfiction, my own personal dialogue.

I kept what I called a "Thought Book" or "T.B." to ensure no thoughts or emotions got forgotten, to twelve year old Cedar and to twenty year old Cedar alike, being forgotten is the absolute worst end result.

Here I will start to open up about the major events that have shaped my life. First the childish gibberish in the pages of my Thought Books, followed by the introspective conversations they've led to in my life today.


Open your mind when looking into mine...

There are many things I fear. Fear itself is one of them. I'm frightened of becoming scared, for if I am afraid I can't seem to think of anything but saving myself and I hate to desert anyone in need if I can help. Fear turns people into cowards if they let it eat at them and gnaw their hope so thin it's microscopic. I'm afraid of death, and small, close, dark places, I'm afraid of not being able to breathe. I'm afraid of failing and going to Hell. God scares me. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.
Being alone frightens me to no end.

Now I'll tell you about my madness. I'm mad at the devil, for attempting to destroy my family! Or maybe God sent my mother strong delusion? I don't know. But the sin that abounds still angers me, vexes my soul. Heaven help me and my troubled mind.

What will happen to me tomorrow? Will I live thru the night? Will I wake up safe in a free country? Or will something have gone terribly wrong?

Of course these thoughts are to no avail. God is on high and that's all that is of importance. People today are wiser, but weaker, they've lost their strong belief. They are weak, flimsy, blowing like a dead leaf, to and fro in the gusty winds. They've fallen from the tree of life and are dooming themselves with every step further they take down the wide, broad path.

We must follow the straight and narrow to reach the pearly gates.

Actions speak louder than words.


Now that was one of the first entries into my first Thought Book. Powerful words from a fifteen year old struggling with depression and suicide. A fifteen year old with no parental guidance and four younger siblings to worry about feeding. One whose mother is mentally ill and very much abusive in word and deed.

Not all of the posts I'll make on this blog will be out of the Thought Books and even if they are, I can guarantee there will be dark mindsets ahead and some poems I am fiercely proud of.


Thanks for reading!

~Cedar~