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Alone

    If you ever feel alone, just know... You ARE. Utterly and completely alone. Until you decide otherwise.  This isn't your parents' story, your friends', or even your lovers'. THIS right here is YOUR story and unless you dictate it, you'll squander it, dividing it up amongst extras in your life story.   Many people believe they're in control of themselves, their own masters. Yet, a sideways look from a stranger can crumble the facade of reality they hold so dear.   Choose to own your mistakes and live dangerously each day as if it's your last, because we know not when our time cometh.   Let others know how you feel, no one can read your mind. Allow them to feel with you or they won't be able to empathize. Know their pain in turn, share as liberally as you need to.   Silence the voice of self doubt, snatch the megaphone away from it and thrust yourself ahead. Onward and upward.   THIS. IS. YOUR. LIFE.   It won't live its...
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I Don't Hate You

   I don't hate you... Once, when I was insecure, scared, and alone. Once, when I needed you to hold my hand, to talk to me, to love me. Once, when I needed you at all... I am not that child anymore, so I no longer hate you.   You, with your lies and slanders. You, all words and no action. You, all abuse and no substance. You, a grown up and I a child, helpless, unloved, and afraid.   I should hate you. I deserve to hate you, everyone says it's O.K.  But it isn't. Because to heal I need to forgive you.   Why? That was my biggest question. Why, should I let you get away with this? Why, should I forgive these atrocities? Why, on Gods' green earth, should I let go of my anger for a second and let you have peace of mind? Why?   I didn't do it for you, I did it for me. For my mind. For my heart. For my aching soul. I had to let go of all the hate you instilled in me, all the broken dreams, all the spilt tears...   Thank you. Because o...
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Silence

   I will not be silenced. Year after year of embracing lies, I have to let go. I am not a liar. I never was. At five years old my adopted father sexually abused me.  "He would never do such a thing!" was one of the most frequented exclamations upon reaching out to tell someone. Anyone. . "He was drunk." was the runner up... On my birthday twelve years later my older sister confessed he abused her multiple times before and after me. Mind you this is after foster care, after court dates, counseling, after ten months of my own personal hell...  This is how she told me:    "I am so sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry because it was supposed to be me. I was spending the night at Grandmas and it was supposed to be me. It happened to me several times before you. I never told mom because of the way she dealt with it when you told her. I don't blame you for not testifying in court, I'm scared too. If you would have testified I would have s...
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Cedar- A Narrative

  When I was a child I had few outlets, one I picked up when I was twelve just stuck. Writing. Any and all writing. Journaling, story writing, fiction, nonfiction, my own personal dialogue. I kept what I called a "Thought Book" or "T.B." to ensure no thoughts or emotions got forgotten, to twelve year old Cedar and to twenty year old Cedar alike, being forgotten is the absolute worst end result. Here I will start to open up about the major events that have shaped my life. First the childish gibberish in the pages of my Thought Books, followed by the introspective conversations they've led to in my life today. Open your mind when looking into mine... There are many things I fear. Fear itself is one of them. I'm frightened of becoming scared, for if I am afraid I can't seem to think of anything but saving myself and I hate to desert anyone in need if I can help. Fear turns people into cowards if they let it eat at them and gnaw their hope so th...
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